How an Email from my Ex-Husband Taught Me to Reclaim My Strength
Over the past 9 months, I have unknowingly given up some of my strength. I’ve realized that I have been playing small, not allowing my light to really shine, and in many ways have gone into hiding. But I’m mustering up some courage and choosing to share about what’s taken place and what I’ve learned because of it.
You see, back in February I received an attacking email from my ex-husband, telling me that he had discovered my coaching website and that he wanted me to take it down for multiple reasons that I can’t discuss here. The email was demanding, blameful and filled with hurtful lies.
Upon reading it I was instantly pissed. Then deeply hurt. Then confused. Then all of the shame that I felt during our divorce came rushing back to me in this strong, icky and disempowering way.
For a short time after receiving the email I started to question if maybe he was right. I started to ask things like “Who am I to share so vulnerably about my divorce and what I went through thereafter?” “Who am I to be doing this work? Maybe he is right, maybe I should take it all down.”
Thankfully those thoughts only lasted about an hour, as I was with a group of amazing friends at the time who helped to bring me back to my truth. They helped me to remember that by sharing my story, I’ve helped so many others who have gone through similar situations to feel like they can open up to me and share their story. They reminded me that I’ve received many emails from people that I hardly know, thanking me for sharing what I went through, because it helped them realize that they weren’t the only ones to have gone through something similar. And so I remembered that sharing openly was good.
I remembered about all of my clients whose lives were transforming in the most beautiful of ways because of the work that we were doing together.
I remembered that I freaking love doing this work and that it lights me up every single day.
And I remembered that when one starts to step into their dreams, we often get tested to see if we will fall and stay down, or decide to get back up.
And because of that I decided that NO, I would NOT give into his demands and I wasn’t going to take anything down, and I wasn’t even going to respond. And so I didn’t.
I moved forward by asking friends for support, I did some healing work around the hurt that I felt because of his email, and I let it go and moved on.
Or so I thought….
Summer came and I realized that I hadn’t published a blog post in a really long time. I’d written many – none of which I finished – and absolutely none of them were published. I started wondering why I had this block around posting anything to my blog or to Facebook….and what I came to realize is that while I didn’t give in to my ex’s demands, I did unconsciously allow myself to shut down. I stopped sharing. I stopped being vulnerable. I stopped letting myself be seen.
While my business was growing quickly, on some level I was still hiding. I thought that hiding would keep me safe, because if I allowed myself to be vulnerable and post again, it could also mean another attack from my ex or his wife, and I knew that I didn’t want to deal with that pain again.
So I continued to hide.
But then I realized that it wasn’t serving me or anyone else to keep playing small or to keep hiding. By playing small, it meant that I was letting fear and shame run the game and that wasn’t who I wanted to be or how I wanted to show up in this world.
Brene Brown says “The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity and creativity.”
So in order to reclaim my truth, it meant starting to share vulnerably again, staring to write honestly again and to start letting myself and my light be seen.
I reminded myself that one of the highest values in my life is to be of service to others, and in order to do that I need to be willing to put myself out there, which also means letting myself be willing to be judged.
I’m willing to do that.
What I’m not willing to do is compromise the authentic dream of myself and my business, nor compromise the authenticity of my soul.
So in that light, I’m moving forward and letting myself be seen again.
I’ve created a new website and it’s better and shinier than ever. I’m so proud to be launching it today, and at the same time it feels scary as shit. But here it is. Here is an expression of me and the work that I’m vulnerably doing in this world. There is a lot of great new content, new blogs (we haven’t converted them all over yet from the old site, but you can still find old posts at the blogspot site) and there is even a fun 60 second video about why I love life coaching.
So here we GO! Check it!
Please check it out, leave some feedback and love and let me know what you think. I’m honored to be sharing this journey with you all.
A quick thanks to a few people who contributed to this website’s completion…….
Jonny Roman for your unwavering love and support through all of this.
Damien Samwell at TripSix Design for his killer web designing skills.
Lucia Doynel for her amazing ability to create awesome videos for change makers.
Diana Sabreen Photography for the pretty photos.